Honoring a Special Anniversary


I know that I have been absent from here for awhile. This past month has been extremely difficult on my health. I have been in so much pain and fatigue that I cannot find the words to describe it. When you live your entire life online, it is absolutely heart wrenching to be too sick to interact or engage. I am in too much pain to describe what is going on, but please know that I haven’t abandoned you. I’m doing my best to just get through each day. I wanted to give a bit of insight as to one of the reason’s why this month has been particularly hard for me. All I ask is that you would stay by my side if you can. I’m not sure when I will be feeling up to posting and doing other things like I normally do. Any and all thoughts and prayers will be so much appreciated. Thank you!

Last Monday (08/12/2019) was the sixth anniversary of my brother’s death. As I tried to write a post about my brother Ryan and his death, I just couldn’t find the words to say. A lot of times deep emotion is better expressed in poetry, so I decided to write a poem instead. This poem is raw, real, and unedited. I feel that poetry is better that way. This poem is a bit metaphorical, but I’m hoping that it will help to understand how I am feeling at the moment. Also, facing my emotions in this way will help me even to further understand my loss.

I know this is confusing and I have written a bit more about the subject on my Instagram page. However, I want you to ask me any questions that you may have about Ryan or the accident. I’m truly not offended and am very open to talking about it. I will give you all a few details so the poem makes sense, especially for my newer followers.

  •  Ryan was my big brother (4 years older).
  •  He died in a car accident on 08/12/2013.
  •  I was 13 at the time and was in-patient at the hospital.
  •  We had a very strong bond due to the emotional abuse we both suffered (from my narcissistic father).


Trying to Understand

For a day destiny chosen
Weeping hearts and
Bodies broken
Scars burned deep
with tears flowing

Six years now
and still I’m frozen
A beautiful soul
left its figure
Depriving all

Of its vigor
Years tick by
and there I sit
Refusing to let him go
Yet knowing firmly

That he watches my soul
Carefully observing every move
Clapping and cheering
Hugging and weeping
Yes, he’s here with me, too

He may be gone
But not forgotten
His light shining
Through my smile
In my actions

We see his love
See, Ryan only travelled
To go up above
In time we’ll meet
Once again

Recalling all of our stories
Following the rescind
While I wait
I choose to laugh
Noticing I have his humor


I found the beautiful quote below and thought that it fit perfectly. What do you think? Thank you for reading this very special blog/poetry post today! I really appreciate that you are all here for me in my time of remembrance as well as supporting me through my flares. That means the world to me. Go ahead and subscribe and I’ll see you next time, my Un-imaginables!

“Be encouraged by their passing and legacy. Instead of crying, live an inspired, spiritual, and happy life like they did when they were here. Live each day with encouragement knowing that they are proud and smiling down on you from Heaven.”

-Matt Fraser








7 thoughts on “Honoring a Special Anniversary

  1. That is a beautiful poem and I am inspired by your determination to keep going, to be sociable even when you hurt, and to remember your brother so eloquently. You have support, even if sometimes you can’t see it x


  2. Firstly, I’m so sorry with how tough you’ve been doing it lately. Who am I kidding? It’s always tough with chronic illness, but sometimes things are extra tough. Hang in there and please be kind to yourself, rest, and do whatever you need to keep going. Secondly, I can only imagine how heartbreaking it is when you think of Ryan, and that loss must be very painful; I think this is a lovely tribute to him. Sending lots of love & hugs your way, and I’m always here if ever you need to chat  ♥
    Caz xxxx


  3. Such big hugs to you for not only having to go through the anniversary of his death but also having to suffer painful flare ups during this time ❤ ❤ ❤ I can't imagine how you feel, but that was such a beautiful poem. I can feel the emotions through your poem and I hope you focus on the good memories you have of him. I also can't believe you've had to suffer from an abusive parent, that is horrible, something nobody should have to go through. You've been through so much but you don't give up, you are the strongest person I know. Don't ever feel a failure for not being able to keep up or for feeling like you can't cope. You are strong no matter how you feel and we are all here for you whenever you feel ready to post. Hugs and sending good vibes your way ❤ ❤ 🤗🤗


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